What Couples Petty Relationship Squabbles Are Really About
Beneath them stir deeper issues than those who left crumbs on the kitchen table
Few couples can claim a constant drought of petty bickering. Like children, adults fight over inconsequential matters. Disagreements about who should wipe the dishes or take out the trash become war cries. Other trifling concerns include indignation over loud exhalation and who devours the last cracker or cuts a wedge of cheese messily.
You might put such battles down to perfectionism, or absence of it, or even chore inequality, and these references can play their part, but beneath every minor quibble lies a major hurt wanting attention.
Old wounds re-open when triggered
Examine unmet needs if you wish to identify what lies under trifling quarrels. They don’t always denote a partner’s negligence since scars from old trauma may spark conflict. An event, a naïve disagreement, prods and re-opens a wound, and a broken record of hurt plays until people recognize the underlying trauma. Arguments have themes and only stop when the couple deciphers the actual issue.
House dad David’s livid and sad when his partner Chris returns from work and doesn’t bring up the spick-and-span kitchen, for instance. After scrubbing and polishing for hours, David wants approval, but not because his body aches and he’s worked hard. He’s upset because he wants to be appreciated. He associates love with being seen as valuable, and he’s gone unnoticed.
Similarly, Alicia sulks, withdrawing from her partner, who didn’t let her know he’d be late home for supper. Dinner matters, but not as much as Alicia’s fear of exclusion, and she feels rejected because she’s out of the loop. Her beloved, as far as she’s concerned, overlooked her feelings by not keeping in touch.
What hurts one individual can go right over another person’s head. David, for example, won’t give a fig if Chris is late home and they eat after 8 PM. The couple gives each other space and ignores time constraints.
Individual relationship dynamics differ, and what one couple sees as fair, their neighbor views as unjust.
The source of most small relationship quibbles, however, is rarely mere annoyance or a conflict of ethics. Quarrels denote unexplored crevices in the subconscious or gaping chasms in the relationship. If you fear abandonment, doubtless, you have a good reason. Perhaps a parent walked out the door when you were a kid and didn’t return, or they left you alone for hours each evening, and you feared you would fend for yourself forever.
On the surface, it seems parents are to blame for their adult children’s hang-ups and relationship issues contributing to quarrels. Sometimes, though, misunderstandings hurt the most. You might misconstrue your partner’s behavior, assuming it means something significant when it doesn’t, if your confusion runs deep into your past when you also misinterpreted your parent’s behavior.
Children interpret challenges the best they can while they develop reasoning skills. A toddler assumes their father, who works nights, is away out of choice. The six-year-old witnessing his mother and father complaining about financial problems imagines himself as a costly burden. Also, when parents separate, it’s natural for their offspring to link the circumstance with themselves and think they are at fault.
People don’t only gather all their relationship trauma during adulthood. Much of their baggage already exists. Each person takes childhood misunderstandings and pain forward and plays them out. The psyche wants to make sense of it all and draw a conclusion. It wants harmony and closure, so it attracts a partner to prod the waiting wound.
Unspoken anxiety
When minor indiscretions cause full-blown rows, problems may lurk in a relationship when they don’t stem from childhood. Sometimes couples don’t discuss difficulties. They hold their emotions in until they bubble to the surface and explode over trivial issues. Not carrying out an expected chore could trigger frustration or fear that needs to be discussed.
Likewise, anxiety about non-related problems can cause emotional upheaval. Difficulties at work, financial stress, or other worries might come to the fore and spill out into everyday events. When they do, they resemble gripes, but they hide painful anxieties.
The notion of relationships as battlegrounds might alarm you, but you can take a different view. Maybe relationship quibbles are fertile plots for healing; places where wounds mend if given attention. Healing occurs when we stop running from pain and hiding behind behaviors like name-calling and finger-pointing.
Search beneath petty squabbles
Someone will trigger your angst if it exists, prodding it with an innocent, misinterpreted behavior. But how you react to their minor infraction won’t be their fault. They may be thoughtless. Their inconsideration, though, crumbs left on the breadboard or spilled sugar, merely points out a painful past awaiting exploration. It unlocks the residue of unmet needs or misinterpreted childhood happenings, or even accumulated everyday stress, and you can look into that dark place and consider what will fix it.
At the same time, genuine relationship problems may be to blame, but they’ve been overlooked or subdued. If so, communication is the key to positive change. Talk to your partner about your concerns before you reach boiling point, and you can seek solutions together.
You may need your partner’s cooperation to reduce practical burdens. Or, you could benefit from them understanding why you fear rejection or feel jealous or whatever emotion they trigger. Until you stop arguing, though, that painful place remains uncharted territory.
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Bridget Webber is a writer and nature lover, often found in the woodland, meadow, and other wild places. She writes poetry and stories and pens psychology articles; her love of discovering what rests inside the thicket and the brain compels her to delve deep. She’s appeared in many leading publications and ghostwrites for professionals who can’t spare the time to pen compositions.
