Thank you for sharing your intimate story, and I'm sure it will help others feel less alone with similar experiences.

May I offer a suggestion? Of course, you can always ditch it if it's not right for you.

During my experience as a trained hypnotherapist and counselor, I learned there's no part of a person that works against them.

Sometimes, a part (like an inner advisor) arises to distract, soothe, or align with the only available good at the time. From the outside, it doesn't look ideal. But it's a pal, after all.

If you tell the voice you understand it once arose to help you and means well, and then say thank you (and mean it) but tell it that it can go now, things may change.

You'll need to gently and with love repeat the exercise over and over and replace it with kind inner dialog. Be creative, make up the advice you want to hear, and keep it up.