Sometimes, Suffering Stems From An Attachment to Our Desires
Understanding you won’t die a thousand deaths from not getting what you want eases stress
We suffer when we want something — love, a particular job, or praise — and don’t have it.
Our unfulfilled yearning becomes inner turmoil, and we are hurt because we consider various reasons we need what we want.
You might imagine satisfying your desires will reduce suffering.
But getting what you want may only offer temporary satisfaction because something else will become desirable, and you will suffer again.
The answer is self-empowerment from knowing you can cope with or without what you desire.
What leads to attachment-based suffering?
Our unmet desires may be small, like wanting to watch an unavailable movie or eat a specific meal when we don’t have the right ingredients.
Or, they might be medium, like discovering someone we like feels differently about us.
And we have big desires, too, like wanting someone we love to stay with us rather than leave us.
Our desires, however serious or trivial, can cause suffering when not met, so we might aim to get what we want at any cost to avoid pain.
But the problem isn’t getting all the things we imagine we must have and can’t live without.
It’s getting attached to the idea we must have them and will die a thousand deaths without them.
We pretend our wants are needs
When we build the notion our lives will be improved by having something, our journey to suffering begins.
It deepens as we strengthen the idea that without this thing — a person, social standing, or a new phone — we will feel pain.
We convince ourselves, even when the notion’s untrue, that our wants are more than desires: They are needs.
We think about how we can’t manage life so well without this new thing or old relationship and find ourselves weakened.
Each time we consider how much we rely on whatever it is or whoever we hold dear, we tighten our grip on them and lose the grip on our inner strength and self-belief.
We resist the truth, and it hurts
Much suffering stems from resistance to the truth.
We lose or can’t get something and then resist what’s happened. We stick our heads in the sand and don’t move on.
So we might grieve, well into the night, about failing a job interview or sit head-in-hands, pondering the unfairness of life because we don’t have something we desire.
Much of the time, though, our suffering is unnecessary.
We birth our pain in our minds, and it continues to torment us when life can go on.
We haven’t got what we want, but we’re all right. And sometimes, opportunities to improve circumstances exist, but our eyes are closed while we feed suffering.
We can have things but need to recognize we will manage without them
Just as the way to stop suffering isn’t to scurry to and fro, panicking about how we must fulfill our desires, it’s also not to go the other way, thinking we ought not to have relationships, good clothes, or a rewarding job.
Unless your religious beliefs suggest otherwise, you might still find pleasure and reward in attainment.
To suffer less, remember you won’t fall apart without the things you enjoy, whether material or otherwise.
It’s unhelpful not to have things that improve your well-being, but not impossible to manage when they are beyond reach.
What’s more, there’s never only one thing that makes or breaks your happiness: Happiness lives behind many doors rather than one alone.
It might be said suffering is a gateway to growth.
And indeed, doing away with it completely could reduce personal development and the attainment of empathy and wisdom.
Nonetheless, it’s also true we often suffer far more than is necessary for self-improvement.
We go beyond a point of growth into needless pain.
At such times, it helps to note we are hurt because of our thoughts.
When we recognize we can enjoy things but manage without them, we rely on them less to prop us up.
Then, when we lose them, we don’t fall over.
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Bridget Webber is a writer and nature lover, often found in the woodland, meadow, and other wild places. She writes poetry and stories and pens psychology articles; her love of discovering what rests inside the thicket and the brain compels her to delve deep. She’s appeared in many leading publications and ghostwrites for professionals who can’t spare the time to pen compositions.
