Selective Amnesia: Why You Might Crave Your Unsuitable Ex
You forget the real reasons you wanted to stop seeing them
After a relationship split, your brain might create mischief, presenting rose-tinted memories that suggest life was blissful. Selective amnesia makes you forget the tears, irritation, and pain that caused the breakup.
We’ve all been there — well, most of us, anyway — pining for days of yore with an unsuitable ex. As we lament, we forget our previous partner was wrong for us and focus on how happy we were.
At first, we were as happy as pigs in a mud bath. We lolloped around with glee. But our bliss went topsy-turvy, not in one swoop, but gradually.
Bit by bit, gripes and misery chipped at our joy until we recognized we were no longer content to waste our time and energy wallowing in slops.
We recall sweet nothings and forget sour arguments
Our memories present an unrealistic story of the events that led to the demise of our coupling.
Rather than remind us how unhappy we’ve been, it flings us into a more enjoyable time zone.
We recall that day at the fairground when we whispered sweet nothings in each other’s ear while on the big wheel.
We reminisce about the times we danced in puddles, shared popcorn, and held hands.
Memory blindness shields us from recalling that time we argued until our throats and heads were sore.
It stops us from thinking of how we lay in bed worrying about our unhappiness and dreaded going on dates with our hostile lover who no longer respected or liked us much.
Change brings discomfort
You might wonder why your nostalgia hides the truth about why you parted from your ex and presents blossom-laden dreamy sunset scenarios.
The chief reason could stem from being out of your comfort zone. When together, you and your partner followed routines. And your brain loves reliable regimens.
You went on shopping trips to visit family and friends and perhaps on vacation together. You ate, watched movies, and carried out everyday tasks, not to mention sharing a bed.
Now you are alone. You must face your independence, manage activities, and engage in social events without your ex, and it’s uncomfortable.
Your inner search for the warmth of familiarity leads to sunnier reminiscences and shields you from the truth: You split for a reason — you weren’t happy anymore.
Maybe your unease helps
Nobody enjoys discomfort. We want the coziness of certainty and security. Our breakup, however, makes us uneasy. And we don’t recognize it’s necessary to get uncomfortable if we’re to learn from mistakes and develop greater wisdom.
Our first job after grieving is gathering gems of knowledge from the fallout. We must consider what we know now that we didn’t before the experience.
Maybe we’ve reached the point when we must reinforce our boundaries or evaluate them. Perhaps we understand ourselves better and realize what we want from a relationship, and it’s not what we just had.
It’s time, after a breakup, to have self-faith: To believe we knew what we were doing when we gave up on our relationship. It’s also time to recognize our intuition told us we deserved something better or different and our ex wasn’t right for us.
Our choice stemmed from a backlog of unhappiness that built until we recognized it was time to stand up for our greater good and break free.
It’s also wise to let ourselves remember the awful times, however painful. We endured fights, wept, sighed, or couldn’t sleep at night. We were angry, sad, and frustrated. It wasn’t working, so we called it a day.
Solitude and trepidation cause our amnesia. But we can resolve to embrace uncertainty and liberation and trust that reliving the past isn’t helpful and that something better lies ahead.
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